Funny One Liners

I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in, and she said: Cheque Books.

The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new cars.

What is the difference between men and pigs? 
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.

Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?
A: One brings you into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.

Santa enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why?

A: Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.

A rich man's car was hit and he asked with an accented and polished voice, 'who is hitting MY CAR?' while a poor man's car was hit and he asked with a terrified voice, 'who is hitting ME for God's sake?'.

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Murphy's Laws

Murphy's laws

• If anything can go wrong, it will

          Corollary: It can
          Corollary by Dr. Allen Roberds
          Corollary: It should
          MacGillicuddy's Corollary: At the most inopportune time
          Corollary by Earl R. Johnson
          Extension: it will be all your fault, and everyone will know it.
          Extension by Dean A. Izett

• If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong

          Extreme version:
          If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the FIRST to go wrong
          Extreme version by Neal Miller

• If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway

• If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop

          Corollary: It will be impossible to fix the fifth fault, without breaking the fix on one or more of the others
          Corollary by Sean Cheshire

• Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse

• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something

• Nature always sides with the hidden flaw

          Corollary: The hidden flaw never stays hidden for long.
          Corollary by Dave M.

• Mother nature is a bitch

          Addendum: and not an obedient one at that
          Addendum by Paul Kekanovich


Murphy's laws origin


Murphy's Law ("If anything can go wrong, it will") was born at Edwards Air Force Base in 1949 at North Base.


It was named after Capt. Edward A. Murphy, an engineer working on Air Force Project MX981, (a project) designed to see how much sudden deceleration a person can stand in a crash.


One day, after finding that a transducer was wired wrong, he cursed the technician responsible and said, "If there is any way to do it wrong, he'll find it."


The contractor's project manager kept a list of "laws" and added this one, which he called Murphy's Law.


Actually, what he did was take an old law that had been around for years in a more basic form and give it a name.


Shortly afterwards, the Air Force doctor (Dr. John Paul Stapp) who rode a sled on the deceleration track to a stop, pulling 40 Gs, gave a press conference. He said that their good safety record on the project was due to a firm belief in Murphy's Law and in the necessity to try and circumvent it.


Aerospace manufacturers picked it up and used it widely in their ads during the next few months, and soon it was being quoted in many news and magazine articles. Murphy's Law was born.


The Northrop project manager, George E. Nichols, had a few laws of his own. Nichols' Fourth Law says, "Avoid any action with an unacceptable outcome."


The doctor, well-known Col. John P. Stapp, had a paradox: Stapp's Ironical Paradox, which says, "The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle."


Nichols is still around. At NASA's Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena, he's the quality control manager for the Viking project to send an unmanned spacecraft to Mars.


Access a comprehensive listing of Murphy's laws from this link: http://www.murphys-laws.com/


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The Ass and the Frogs

An ASS, carrying a load of wood, passed through a pond.  As he was crossing through the water he lost his footing, stumbled and fell, and not being able to rise on account of his load, groaned heavily.  Some Frogs frequenting the pool heard his lamentation, and said, "What would you do if you had to live here always as we do, when you make such a fuss about a mere fall into the water?"


Moral: Men often bear little grievances with less courage than they do large misfortunes.


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An Aesop Tale.


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The Swallow and the Other Birds

It happened that a Countryman was sowing some hemp seeds in a field where a Swallow and some other birds were hopping about picking up their food.  "Beware of that man," quoth the Swallow. "Why, what is he doing?" said the others.  "That is hemp seed he is sowing; be careful to pick up every one of the seeds, or else you will repent it."  The birds paid no heed to the Swallow's words, and by and by the hemp grew up and was made into cord, and of the cords nets were made, and many a bird that had despised the Swallow's advice was caught in nets made out of that very hemp. "What did I tell you?" said the Swallow.


Moral: Destroy the seed of evil, or it will grow up to your ruin.


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This' an Aesop Tale.


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The Man and His Two Wives

In the old days, when men were allowed to have many wives, a middle-aged Man had one wife that was old and one that was young; each loved him very much, and desired to see him like herself. Now the Man's hair was turning grey, which the young Wife did not like, as it made him look too old for her husband.  So every night she used to comb his hair and pick out the white ones.  But the elder Wife saw her husband growing grey with great pleasure, for she did not like to be mistaken for his mother.  So every morning she used to arrange his hair and pick out as many of the black ones as she could.  The consequence was the Man soon found himself entirely bald.


Morel: Yield to all and you will soon have nothing to yield.

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This' an Aesop Tale.


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Ten Things To Learn From Japan

1. THE CALM

Not a single visual of chest-beating or wild grief.

2. THE DIGNITY

Disciplined queues for water and groceries. Not a rough word or a crude gesture.

3. THE ABILITY

The incredible architects, for instance buildings swayed but didn’t fall.

4. THE GRACE

People bought only what they needed for the present, so everybody could get something.

5. THE ORDER

No looting in shops no honking and no overtaking on the roads. Just understanding.

6. THE SACRIFICE

Fifty workers stayed back to pump sea water in the N-reactors.

7. THE TENDERNESS

Restaurants cut prices. An unguarded ATM is left alone. The strong cared for the weak.

8. THE TRAINING

The old and the children, everyone knew exactly what to do. And they did just that.

9. THE MEDIA

They showed magnificent restraint in the bulletins. No silly reporters. Only calm reportage.

10. THE CONSCIENCE

When the power went off in a store, people put things back on the shelves and left quietly.

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One of the Biggest Container Ships in the World! Built by Maersk!

Following is a picture of The Ship entering the port.

The Ship is bigger than any aircraft carrier. It carries 15,000 containers and has a crew of 13!

It was designed for High Sea travels only and is unable to navigate the Suez or Panama canals.

 

The tug boats look like toy boats!

It's 10 floors to the Command Bridge!

Its top speed is 55.80 km/h. It would travel from China to California in 4 days!

11 cranes can load or unload The Ship at the same time!

The Dimensions:
Length - 1,302 ft (396.85 meters)
Width - 207 ft (63.1 meters)
Load Capacity - 123,200 tons
Diesel Engine - 14 cylinders inline
Max. Power Output - 108,920 metric HP
Top Speed - 31 knots (55.80 km/h)

The first trip was with 13 crew. The cost was $145,000,000 US Dollars.

The Engine

The Crankshaft

Isn't This Amazing?!

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